No Choice

Delete his number.

Stop ringing him. Stop messaging him.
Stop making excuses to see him, to drop by his place.

Erase his name from memory.
Remove yourself from his life, more completely than you would like but as completely as he deserves.
Move on, so that you can allow him to also move on.
When you close your eyes, you don't get to see his face, not anymore.
You don't get to think about his lips, the warm glow of his skin when he rests next to you, or how he squeezes your hand in his sleep.

You're not allowed to remember the smell of his or that he loves you.

He loves you.

He has been in love with you for too long.

So, forget how he says your name.
Forget how he calls your name.
Forget how he screams your name.
Forget that time you get sick and he stayed up with you.
Forget how his hair feels in your fingers.
Forget how he looks in your sweatshirts.

Forget him.

Know only that he existed at one point your life, but relinquish all hope that he could exist at another point.
Sometime in the future that you are unwilling to specify because you don't know what you want, yet.
It is not fair for you to swoop in and out of his life as you choose.
It is not fair for you to say that you are satisfied with "things as they are"
and you will have time to "figure it out" later.
Let him stop investing emotionally in you.
Let him pour that love and care into the people who deserve him.

Don't tell him that you think about him all the time.
Don't tell him that it bothers you to hear about him with other people, but that you're willing to understand ad along as he likes you more than them.
Don't tell him that this isn't the right moment, but that there will be a right moment.
There is not going to be a right moment.
He shouldn't have to wait for the right moment.

Don't tell him that you can't handle ultimatums, that you don't like the idea of finally adding finalty to your relationship.

What you are telling him is that you want to keep him on as an option, that you're taking him for granted,
that you want to know he will be there, that you can depend on him at the end of the day.
When you find that no one else has stuck around or that those who have are less interesting, less thoughtful, or less doggedly loyal to you.

Doggedly loyal to you.
That is what he has been to you, for you almost as long as you have known him
a constant emotional crutch, the guarantee of stability, a safety net while you reach out to grasp objects that sparkle and shine far greater than he does.
All that glitters is not gold, haven't you heard?

He is fire.
You are ice, and you are afraid that him slow burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor.
That's what has driven your decision, your actions all along: fear.
You are coward.
You are terrified to let him go, but you are afraid he is too good for you, that he could drive you wild,
That you would choke on him flames.
That he is too much for you to handle right now.

Right now

But if you choose not to forget him,
You can't choose to love him now.

Scared

Sometimes being alone is exactly what I don't need.

Sometimes I need someone who will stay even after I call them the most horrible names I can think of.

Who will hold me and won't let go even after I beg them to.

Because when I'm alone the dark thoughts in my mind are the strongest.

They remind me of all the stupid mistakes I've made.

They remind me that my whole existence is pointless.

That is when I need you most.

That is when I need you to tell me that everything will okay and that what's pointless is thinking about that past.

I need you.

I know I don't tell you enough, but I do.

But what I'm scared of most is that you don't need me.

I'm scared to love.

I'm scared of being too dependent.

I'm scared that you'll be just like the rest.

I need stop thinking.

"are you happy?"

"are you happy?" is such a difficult question
I always say yes, because i have friends
I laugh at jokes, I go out a lot and have fun
my life isn't as bad as it could be, and I don't have terrible problems
it could be worse.

but the, one night at 3AM when I'm alone
still awake, lying in bed, thinking about life
I find myself crying my heart out
suddenly I convince that nobody like me, or nobody will ever like me.
I feel horrible
and I question everything I had

and I don't know if I was ever happy at all.

Her

One day you're going to see her holding hands with someone who took your chance.
She won't even notice you because she's too busy laughing with the stupid jokes he makes,
and it will burn your heart seeing that beautiful smile on her face and realizing that you're not the reason anymore, and then it will finally hit you: it was her, it was always her.

~probably will happen~

Mematahkan Rasa

Hari itu..
Dimana masih ada kata "kita"
Dimana semua berjalan sesuai rencana
Dimana kita berusaha untuk menjadi penting satu sama lain
Tapi..
Hari ini
Dimana tidak ada lagi kata "kita"
Dimana semua rencana hanya sebuah rencana
Dimana tidak ada lagi usaha untuk menjadi penting satu sama lain
Apa anda berpikiran yang sama?
Kini saya mencoba mematahkan rasa
Tapi,
Mengapa matamu seolah berkata "tunggulah sejenak.."?
Apa itu yang harus saya lakukan?
Apa saya termasuk orang yang bodoh akan masalah perasaan?
Isi pikiran saya hanya habiskan waktu untuk menunggu anda
Terlihat bodohkah?
Apa mungkin saya bisa mematahkan rasa, sementara hati ini enggan untuk mematahkan rasa
sudah banyak cara yang saya lakukan
tidakkah anda tau?
Sejauh ini saya belum menyerah
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
Apa mungkin saya mematahkan rasa ini?