Even Now

For a heart that's been torn,
there's not much you can do
but to understand......

Remember this words?
"Don't worry i willl free you, when its finally time for you to go.."
there's no easy way to let go of something that I know will never happen again...

But i will face the world around me knowing that I am strong enough to let you go,
I'm aware that you only came into my life for a while, and that time will come...
I have to give you up
then that's end of it...
theres goes my life
You left me..
at the every moment
that I can't give you up

I cry for the memories,
I cry for the pain,
I cry for the times,
I thought I had you...

I know you're not mine,
but holding on to you have become my way to keep me alive...

wish you see the tears
run from my eyes
because it spells the truth
about how i really feels inside...

don't worry,
my tears won't blame you...
those are just the words
my heart uses to explain...

when even my smiles
can't cover up my pain...

it's been a while,
still I can't get out
from your shadow...

till this very moment, I'm still trying to pick up those pieces...

thank you for the love and the pain
the pain,
that i'll always remember...

Even now,
My heart still aches in sadness and secret tears
still flow

One day i can say,
"FINALLY I'M OVER YOU!"

You're still with me
eventhough,
you're not on my side...

One day I will be able,
to stand next to you
without wanting to hold your hand...

somewhere down my journey,
I will fall in love again...

I know,
I can.......

DEADLINE!

Astaghfirullah hal adzim.........

jadi tuh kemaren gue iseng kan nanya di grup line bimbingan skripsi abis sepi banget,

"eh btw, deadline skripsi kelar kapan?"

wuiiiiih yang read banyak, tapi yang bales cuma satu........ ya gitulah, soalnya banyak yang gak saling kenal..

okay, dibalesnya gak tanggung-tanggung, langsung pake screen kalender skripsi entah karena males bales atau biar gak bertele-tele... seketika grup bimbingan langsung rame..

eaaaaa matilah mati!!!

deadline kelar skripsi 26 Juni ini... mati gue mati -____-

sementara bab 4 gue stuck gitu-gitu aja, gue gak ngerti mau ngolah datanya gimana...

terakhir gue ketemu dospem buat nanya gimana caranya, dan dospem gue pun menjawab.................

"nak, coba kamu ke perpus liat skripsi terdahulu. kamu pasti nemuin bagaimana caranya."

eek -_-

gue yakin banget dospem gue gak ngerti pajak! yakin seyakin yakinnya!

soalnya ada tiga temen sejurusan pajak juga sama gue yang dapet dospem ini, kita senasib...

mereka pun ngeluh begini...

"nih dosen kayanya gak ngerti pajak."

"buset dah nih dosen nyuruh ke perpus mulu"

"bab1-3 gue langsung di acc doang tanpa dibaca"

"gue nanya pajak yang gue bahas di skripsi, dijawabnya malah ngaco"

"telat gak sih ganti dospem?"

terlepas dari itu, tadi gue ketemu lagi sama dospem buat nunjukin bab 4 yang udah gue kerjain, tapi......... dospem gue bilang gini "saya mau taunya rapi sampai bab 5, baru ketemu saya lagi seminggu sebelum deadline pengumpulan skripsi"

Pak dospem yang terhormat, ini aja ngerjain bab 4-nya gak tau arahnya mau gimana... sedih dah pak beneran :")

gue doain dah buat pak dospem sehat walafiat :")

waktu, masa lalu, sekarang, masa depan :)

ini bukan tentang mampu atau tidaknya melangkah ke depan..

ini cuma masalah waktu....

sudah berapa hati yang kamu patahkan, hanya untuk menunggu seseorang yang belum benar-benar memikirkanmu saat ini?

ya, ini cuma masalah waktu..

akan ada saatnya kamu berteman dengan masa lalu..

mungkin memang belum sekarang, mungkin besok, lusa, atau bahkan bertahun-tahun lamanya..

percaya saja, semuanya sudah ada yang mengatur..

kamu sebagai manusia hanya menjalani peran..

sebenarnya kalau waktu bisa diulang..

tentunya kamu pasti memilih untuk tidak bertemu dengan masa lalumu itu..

ini bukan salahmu atau salah masa lalumu..

lagi lagi ini masalah waktu..

kalau saja dulu, di waktu itu kamu dan masa lalumu tidak bertukar cerita.. semuanya pasti akan berjalan baik-baik saja sesuai keinginanmu..

ya, andai saja waktu itu kamu dan masa lalumu hanya berteman, di masa sekarang tentunya kamu dan masa lalumu tidak perlu pura-pura tidak saling mengenal..

lagi lagi waktu terus berputar, sekarang hanya kamu dan masa sekarang..

sudah nyaman sendiri?

ya, saat ini kamu memang sudah nyaman sendiri..

bagaimana dengan di waktu yang akan datang?

apa tetap kamu nyaman sendiri?

ini cuma masalah waktu.. 

mungkin keadaan ini sudah membuatmu nyaman..

percaya saja, kamu dan masa lalumu akan berteman lagi di masa depan..

bahkan mungkin akan berteman baik dibanding masa lalumu yang lain-lain..

sekarang lakukan saja apa yang menurut kamu berguna untuk masa depanmu..

setidaknya tidak ada lagi hati yang kamu patahkan untuk menunggu masa lalumu itu..

masa sekarang dan masa depan pasti akan lebih mengajarimu dan menggenggammu lebih erat dibanding masa lalumu itu........

tertanda : dirimu sendiri tentang masa lalu dimasa sekarang untuk masa depan

Dosen Pembimbing :')

okaaaay kali ini bahas tentang dosen pembimbing...
kenapa?
dosen pembimbing gue soalnya "asik" banget buat dijadiin bahasan :"
asik?
wkwkwkw mau nangis iya, mau ketawa juga iya :")
entah sekjur yang salah kasih dospem apa gimana.......
gue kan jurusan pajak, bahasan skripsi gue juga tentang pajak.. tapi........
kenapa gue dapet dospem yang ngajarnya mata kuliah audit semua..
gak nyambung fix! :"
sedangkan temen-temen gue dapet dospem yang sesuai bahasan skripsi mereka.
apes banget gue apeeees :')
setiap nanya tentang pajak yang sesuai sama bahasan skripsi gue ke dospem, jawabannya cuma......
"baca buku ya nak.."
Paaaaak, paaaaak! gunanya Bapak apa dong pak kalo jawabannya cuma suruh saya baca buku :")
iya sih emang bener baca buku, udah baca deh bener suer tapi kan butuh penjelasan juga paaak..
sedih saya Pak, serius sedih..
yang lebih ngeselin sih gini, belom tuh dosen baca bab 1-3 udah disuruh lanjut bab 4..
Paaak canggih banget pak otak saya, gak perlu revisi lagi nih bab 1-3?
ada sih revisi tapi cuma format yang gak bener, ya masa isinya gak dibaca... kan yang penting isinya pak.. -_-
okelah! akhirnya sekarang gue lagi bener-bener bikin bab 1-4 tanpa masukan saran dospem gue
sedih gak tuh? sementara temen-temen gue selalu dapet pendapat sama saran dari dospem mereka.....
nasib gue dapet dospem begini amat :")

No Choice

Delete his number.

Stop ringing him. Stop messaging him.
Stop making excuses to see him, to drop by his place.

Erase his name from memory.
Remove yourself from his life, more completely than you would like but as completely as he deserves.
Move on, so that you can allow him to also move on.
When you close your eyes, you don't get to see his face, not anymore.
You don't get to think about his lips, the warm glow of his skin when he rests next to you, or how he squeezes your hand in his sleep.

You're not allowed to remember the smell of his or that he loves you.

He loves you.

He has been in love with you for too long.

So, forget how he says your name.
Forget how he calls your name.
Forget how he screams your name.
Forget that time you get sick and he stayed up with you.
Forget how his hair feels in your fingers.
Forget how he looks in your sweatshirts.

Forget him.

Know only that he existed at one point your life, but relinquish all hope that he could exist at another point.
Sometime in the future that you are unwilling to specify because you don't know what you want, yet.
It is not fair for you to swoop in and out of his life as you choose.
It is not fair for you to say that you are satisfied with "things as they are"
and you will have time to "figure it out" later.
Let him stop investing emotionally in you.
Let him pour that love and care into the people who deserve him.

Don't tell him that you think about him all the time.
Don't tell him that it bothers you to hear about him with other people, but that you're willing to understand ad along as he likes you more than them.
Don't tell him that this isn't the right moment, but that there will be a right moment.
There is not going to be a right moment.
He shouldn't have to wait for the right moment.

Don't tell him that you can't handle ultimatums, that you don't like the idea of finally adding finalty to your relationship.

What you are telling him is that you want to keep him on as an option, that you're taking him for granted,
that you want to know he will be there, that you can depend on him at the end of the day.
When you find that no one else has stuck around or that those who have are less interesting, less thoughtful, or less doggedly loyal to you.

Doggedly loyal to you.
That is what he has been to you, for you almost as long as you have known him
a constant emotional crutch, the guarantee of stability, a safety net while you reach out to grasp objects that sparkle and shine far greater than he does.
All that glitters is not gold, haven't you heard?

He is fire.
You are ice, and you are afraid that him slow burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor.
That's what has driven your decision, your actions all along: fear.
You are coward.
You are terrified to let him go, but you are afraid he is too good for you, that he could drive you wild,
That you would choke on him flames.
That he is too much for you to handle right now.

Right now

But if you choose not to forget him,
You can't choose to love him now.

Scared

Sometimes being alone is exactly what I don't need.

Sometimes I need someone who will stay even after I call them the most horrible names I can think of.

Who will hold me and won't let go even after I beg them to.

Because when I'm alone the dark thoughts in my mind are the strongest.

They remind me of all the stupid mistakes I've made.

They remind me that my whole existence is pointless.

That is when I need you most.

That is when I need you to tell me that everything will okay and that what's pointless is thinking about that past.

I need you.

I know I don't tell you enough, but I do.

But what I'm scared of most is that you don't need me.

I'm scared to love.

I'm scared of being too dependent.

I'm scared that you'll be just like the rest.

I need stop thinking.

"are you happy?"

"are you happy?" is such a difficult question
I always say yes, because i have friends
I laugh at jokes, I go out a lot and have fun
my life isn't as bad as it could be, and I don't have terrible problems
it could be worse.

but the, one night at 3AM when I'm alone
still awake, lying in bed, thinking about life
I find myself crying my heart out
suddenly I convince that nobody like me, or nobody will ever like me.
I feel horrible
and I question everything I had

and I don't know if I was ever happy at all.